Find Me

At Family Resources’ First Friday Outdoor Adventure Play Shoppe this week, we began playing hide and go seek.  The children ranged in age from fifteen months through four-years-old.  I was the first one to find a secret spot, as all the children hid their eyes.  When the okay sign was given, the children took off running.

They flew right past me at first,  but on the second go round, the shrieks and screams of pure excitement and joy announced to all that Miss Fran had been found.

Then it was someone else’s turn.  That child ran off  while the rest of us covered our eyes.  Guess where she hid?  In the very same place as I had.  The shrieks and screams of excitement were just as loud and happy for each succeeding child who chose to hide – every one in the exact same place.

I realized then that for these children, it didn’t occur to them to choose a different place, a trickier place, a more-of-a-surprise place.  What they were seeking was the sure joy, fun, satisfaction (and perhaps, relief) of being found, reunited, welcomed back into the group.  As for the seekers, it was the pure thrill of finding their friend and, through this playful game,  reinforcing their own budding knowledge and awareness that out- of- sight does not mean permanently gone.

A dad who participates and volunteers a lot for Family Resources and I were on a shopping trip to Menards one day- our mission to buy hooks and screws and hardware necessary for a project we were working on.  This dad had his five year old son with him who periodically slipped down an aisle or behind a shelf where he was out of sight.  What this very knowing dad did to get his child back was to call his name and say, “Find me”.  And faster than a cat can blink his eye, his son reappeared, grinning and totally pleased with himself, to have so successfully found his dad.  What a masterful way to handle this typically negative situation by turning it into not only a simple game but an unspoken “given” that Dad would be there for him to find and glad to see him every time.

I guess it is all about knowing that we are not alone – even when we are and that it is safe and okay for us to be alone.   That the people whom we love and trust are still there.  So, when your child is reuniting, whether it is after a long day at child care, a morning at preschool, an overnight spent with grandparents,  an afternoon nap, a high schooler arriving home just in time for dinner, an older child calling from long distance on the phone, take advantage of this golden opportunity.  As many times as possible, celebrate this reunion, this being “found”, this welcome back – with genuine enthusiasm and joy.  You will never regret it!

Hello Moon

A new month dawns, another season creeps in, the moon is full, the trees are bare, frost is on the pumpkins. The cycle of the natural world is dependable, beautiful and free for us to observe and appreciate.  As parents, recognizing these wonders and assimilating them into our family’s traditions and activities, can instill a sense of trust, confidence and awe in our children’s hearts and minds.

In a world that revolves increasingly around virtual experiences, it is even more urgent that we value what nature has to offer us.  Every season has its beauty, its mystery and its gifts.  We  weave these treasures into our lives, often without realizing it, until a warm breeze, a red sky,  the sound of the rain or the silence of the falling snow  connects us to a memory still alive and meaningful somewhere inside of us.  For our children,  it is this repetition and predictability in the natural world, as well as our own family rituals, that helps build sensitivity, strength and resilience in their core.

And then, when something goes wrong – when our confidence and reliance gets shaken – when something happens,  like the death of the young child in our community last week, that can’t be explained or fully understood, it can be this continuity and constant of family, nature and faith that comforts and heals.

Last night my husband beckoned me to look out and see the beautiful moon hanging  in the autumn sky.  We love the full moon and never let it pass without due notice. But who doesn’t?  From babyhood on, we look and wonder and point to the moon.

How could we imagine anything more magical than the moon as it waxes and wanes.  I like the idea shared in the book, Walk When the Moon is Full. It suggests taking a walk each month on the night of the full moon – the same walk  each time – perhaps just around your neighborhood.  Every walk, the same walk,  will amazingly look, feel, smell and sound differently  – if we pay attention.  To a child, this is a gift that could resonate throughout his/her life.

So let’s take advantage of the beauty that surrounds us.  Stop for a minute and pick up the pine cones, look for four-leaf-clovers, welcome the snow, twirl in the leaves, listen to the wind, suck on an icicle, watch for the crocuses to bloom.   We have the chance, as parents, to give our children a sense of wonder by rediscovering and sharing the beautiful, awe-inspiring gifts of nature.

Goodnight Moon.

Fall back – into sleep

Are you ready for Day Light Savings Time to change?   This year, Halloween happens to fall on a Saturday and the time to change our clocks back is the next day,  Sunday,  November 1st at 2:00 a.m.

Great, you say!   We finally get back that extra hour of sleep that was snatched away from us in the Spring.  Perfect timing!   After a Halloween night of over-stimulation, delayed bedtime, abundance of sweets – we’ll all get to sleep in!

Well… perhaps.  But, if memory and experience serves me correctly,  even after a later than usual bedtime,  our kids could rise and shine an hour earlier than usual.  Our own body clocks are accustomed to waking us at a regular time – often when the sun rises.  Because we will be re- setting our bedroom clocks  back one hour – our alarm clocks will go off at this new time but be prepared for our children’s internal clocks to have already roused them.

From year to year, I hear parents reacting in frustration to this time- switch adjustment and wondering how long this early awakening will continue.  They report that their children are fussy and out-of-sorts.

Sleep is such a huge factor in the way our children behave. More and more research reports that challenging behavior can be traced to insufficient sleep.  Many of us are surprised to hear that our children ( and ourselves) are not getting enough sleep.  Babies need 14-16 hours in a 24-hour period;  toddlers 13 hours total, including a nap;  preschoolers 12 hours, including a nap;   school-age children, ten hours;  adolescents, 9.25 hours;  adults, 7.5 -8 hours a night.

So – Sunday, November 1st may be a challenging day for parents because our children will probably be suffering from insufficient sleep and disruption of routines the night before.   Sleep affects how a child controls his emotions, actions, attention span, cooperation, his performance in general.  The temper tantrum because you poured milk in the red cup rather than the pink one is more about lack of sleep than caring about the color of the cup or a devious attempt to drive you crazy.

This is a good time for all of us  to take a careful  look at how much sleep our families are getting.  If we are struggling with a whiny, demanding child, on a daily basis,  whose melt-downs are frequent, inadequate sleep is very likely the culprit. The same goes for our own patience and resilience as adults.

When misbehavior is a result of not enough sleep, we can try every discipline trick in the book but until we have a rested child, the intensity of emotions and out-of-bounds behavior will continue.

So this weekend, even for those children who are usually well-rested, you may experience melt-downs.  Plan a low-key, hang-around day.  Get everyone out in the morning light (which sets our internal clock for us),  some physical activity – walks around the neighborhood, raking leaves, healthy foods, reading time, naps, coloring, doing puzzles – a peaceful winding down to a busy weekend. In other words, relax and lower your expectations a bit.  You’ll all profit from it.

For excellent information about the  importance of  sleep and your child’s behavior, check out Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s (author of Raising your Spirited Child) book,  Sleepless in America – Is your child misbehaving or Missing Sleep?

Also,  Family Resources offers periodic workshops based on this book.  And one-on-one Parent Coaching is always available,  free of charge,  to address this issue in depth and help you and your family get the sleep you need.  Just call for an appointment.

Sweet Dreams!

Celebrate your quiet child

Let’s hear it for the child who is quiet,  reserved,  an observer of the world around him -  one who doesn’t readily respond with an easy smile or answer.  Often parents of these young children experience a sense of frustration and concern  that their child is not meeting age- appropriate social expectations.  They see their child at home, talking and laughing, singing and dancing, but when he is in a group or unfamiliar situation – he just ” stands there and stares”.

I have a special affinity for these reflective, cautious children.  I probably was one myself.  They are slow to warm up to new situations and people.  They study their surroundings and activities to see where they might fit in – and if they care to.  It is the temperament they were born with.

I see this often at Family Resources  Play Shoppe.  A parent walks into the room with a child attached to his/her leg.   Once in the room, the child stands and watches.  Usually the parent,  feeling uncomfortable because their child is not responding to the greetings and invitations to join in,  begins to encourage and prod their child to answer and participate.   This usually has the opposite effect.

By the end of Play Shoppe, this reserved child has most often found his niche - usually even interacting with others.  By the time they get home, he is often singing the songs the others sang (and he listened to) and describing everything that went on at Play Shoppe whether he participated or not.   His experience was positive and enjoyable. He has no clue that there would be any concerns about his behavior.

Unless it was made apparent to him.  As moms and dads, this is what we need to understand and appreciate.    It is our own interpretation and expectations of the situation that is fueling our concern.  Accepting, enjoying and celebrating our child’s temperament and personality is key to his success.  It is this that will instill the confidence and strong sense of self that we are seeking for our child.

I try to encourage parents who have a child like this to just let her be.  Come into the group – if your child needs to stand by you or sit on your lap and watch – accept that as perfectly okay.  Let your child hear you talking and greeting others without bringing the spotlight on her or remarking that she’s so “shy”.  One thing I’ve found about these children – the more they’re pushed and prodded to respond, the more clingy and unresponsive they become.

Parents have shared that they feel their child is just being stubborn.  The parents are worried that they will be socially unprepared and not know how to function in a group.  It is my own observation and experience that these very observant young children mature into older children who know themselves very well.  They exercise critical judgment and make good choices in friendships and self- selected interests.

As parents, we can provide safe, fun, social situations with friends.  We can model interaction, socializing and caring. We can prepare them for what to expect at new experiences.   We can address their interests and competence.  But most importantly, we can give these children the time and pace they need to be comfortable in their own right.

Winter’s on its way

It’s starting.  The cold weather has arrived.  It may try and fool us by disappearing for a day or two with warmer temperatures and sunny skies,  but we’ve had our first taste and we know what lies in store.

In some ways I don’t mind.  There’s definitely something very refreshing about being out on a cold day.  Summer’s great – short sleeves,  sandals,  basking in the sun.  But it’s a totally different, more exhilarating and rewarding feeling when you’re out in the cold,  the wind nipping at your cheeks.  When you come indoors after being out on a winter’s day, feeling the welcoming warmth,  blowing your nose (nothing like a cold day to keep those sinuses clear) and diving  into your fuzzy slippers,  you will feel both energized and relaxed at the same time.

As parents we need to prepare ourselves and our families for the even colder,  frigid temperatures ahead – by sensitizing our bodies to the lower temperatures now.  How?  By digging out the hats and mittens,  jackets and snow pants and wearing them if the weather is cold.

Snow pants for children are not just for a sledding day but everyday apparel for a Wisconsin winter.  If our children’s association with winter  (and ours)  is rushing to the car, wearing no hat or  a loose hood -  half on ,  no mittens,  coat unzipped,  they  (and we)  will feel uncomfortable,  cranky,  uncooperative,  complaining and definitely not wanting to be outside.

It can sometimes seem unnecessary,  this whole process of dressing warmly,  when so many of us have heated garages that allow us to sneak into our preheated cars,  wearing just a lightweight, unzipped jacket.  This,  however,  is where we need to become intentional.

Parents have told me  “it’s not worth the struggle to get him all dressed warmly.  He fights it so.”  And until it becomes part of the routine and the expectation,  it will continue to be a battle.  This is when we remember that boots can call out to a child to  “Put me on”.  Songs can be sung,  (Thumb in the thumb place, fingers all together; this is the song we sing in mitten weather),  commentary on what’s coming next,  shared.

Dressing warmly can become a habit and one that reaps benefits.  How?  If we are not shivering and uncomfortable outside,  we will all be willing to linger outdoors – feed the birds,  make an adventure of getting the mail,  throw a few snowballs,  shovel the walk,  dig in the snow  (digging toys used in the sandbox will delight children in the snow),  pull a sled, build a snowman,  make snow angels, walk around the block,  climb a snow bank,  watch the snowplow plow.

Being outside is an essential ingredient of every child’s life.  It will put color in your child’s cheeks as well as your own.  (It’s a myth that children will catch a cold from being out in the cold.).  It will increase positive behavior, make everyone sleep better, gain a dose of necessary vitamin D (we do have quite a few cold,  sunny days in winter),  add balance to our day,  increase appetites for healthy foods and help us all to find recreation, fun, anticipation and enjoyment in winter in Wisconsin.

Less is more …two

I believe all of us need to be continually reminded that less is more.  Back in June, in one of my first posts, I encouraged parents to think twice about piling on too many places to go, too many activities in the same day, same week, too much to take in, too much to appreciate.

This weekend when I was out and about, the thought struck me.  Time for a reminder!  There were posters everywhere for events to take the children to enjoy.  And this is just the beginning of a season that starts with Halloween and continues through the spring.  One festive holiday after another.  But in today’s world – they are less separated and distinct.  Marketing the holiday early is the rule and so often, we barely finish digesting one big day before the next one leaps out at us from the aisles,  screaming for attention.

But right now – Autumn/Halloween is the season of the day.  It’s one of my favorites.  I love all of the outdoor experiences that are connected with Fall.  Pumpkin farms (choosing the perfect one,  carving a funny face),  picking apples (making apple sauce),  collecting leaves, acorns, chestnuts,  raking leaves (jumping in the pile),  watching the gray squirrels “frisk their bushy tails”.  And along with these invigorating activities are many Fall/Halloween events calling out to families to attend and enjoy.

Here’s where I suggest caution and judgment.  As tempting as every poster and advertisement looks,  telling us about the fun and excitement to be had,  as hard as it is to be pulled by well-intentioned friends and relatives to come join them –  as parents,  we need to keep one thing in mind.  You guessed it – less is more.

We need to avoid over-saturation that results in over-stimulated children,  tired children, whining and acting-out children and choose the event or two that this year will work the best for your children and your family,  for your time, your budget and your routine.  Children respond positively to simplicity – to the necessary “space” to integrate an experience into their life,  to extend it through picture books and pretend- play at home.

Children need time.  Trust them!  We don’t need to fill every waking hour with a new experience.  Let them digest a few and their memory and connection to the experience will be sharper,  stronger and more appreciated.

Halloween/Fall activities only start the ball rolling for the season ahead.  From now through spring, there is something to celebrate.  Use your judgment, choose wisely and in your family’s best interest – and then, simply,  enjoy!

And now – after all that – a reminder about Family Resources 3rd Annual Costume Swap.  It takes place on Saturday, October 10th from 9:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m.   Drop off a clean, gently used costume and all props and accessories attached, any day this week from 8:30 – 5:00 p.m.  You will receive a voucher to choose another costume at the Costume Swap.

There will be fun fall activities and crafts for the children and refreshments!  Attendance is free.

Family Resources strives to always offer activities and crafts that delight and engage the children.  We look forward to another fun day on Saturday, October 10th and also, to seeing you and your family if you choose Costume Swap as one of your family’s Fall activities this year!

Keeping children informed

How many times a day as adults do we check our watches, our cell phones,  our Blackberries, our schedule books to see what’s happening next in our day,  our week,  our month?  I’m in the habit of checking my schedule for the next day before going to bed.  There’s something about seeing things in print and reflecting on them for a few minutes that allows me to be peaceful and comfortable in the knowledge of the next day’s activities.

Children,  especially our youngest,   often don’t know what to expect from hour to hour and day to day. Often, we appear to swoop in,  bundle them up in their jackets and zoom off with little more than a  “let’s go”.   This unpredictability and lack of understanding  can make children feel anxious and stressed, leading to challenging behavior and an unhappy experience.

That’s where foreshadowing comes in.  Foreshadowing is creating for your child a mental picture of what’s  going to be happening for her.  ” Tomorrow,  Grandma will pick you up from preschool,  take you to her house for lunch  (she said she’s making your favorite,  french toast)  and then Daddy will pick you up when you have finished eating.”

Whether company’s coming to your home,  or you’re visiting friends in another town,  going to call on Great- Aunt Sadie at the nursing home,  or just meeting up with your friends at Play Shoppe,  inform your children.  Start this early – even as you are changing your new-born’s diaper.   Tell them what to expect,  how long it will take,  who will be there,  what they’ll be able to do.  This is a good time, if going to a place that is not that child-friendly,  to plan with your child what he can bring along for entertainment.

For big events,  like going to the hospital to give birth  (where will your child be and with whom and for how long ) ,  starting preschool or going on a trip,  share the story often.  Your child will gain confidence and trust from understanding just what will be happening and how he/she fits in.

When our children are informed,  when they know where they are going and what they’ll be doing,  their self-assurance, understanding and  cooperation will grow strong. As the little boy in the restaurant said,  in amazement,  to his parents   when the waiter gave him a menu too, “He thinks I’m Real!”,  your child will feel real - secure - included and ready for what ever is happening.

Eye contact

Try this today.  When your child is talking to you,  turn and look at him -  intentionally giving him/her full eye contact.  Take in her expression,  her eyes,  her message.  Do that several times a day,  at least,  over a few weeks’ time and see if there’s a difference in behavior,  in connection,  in cooperation.

Think of what it would be like to go in to speak to your boss and she continued to do what she was doing, looking down at her papers while you talked.  What kind of  a feeling of worth, of being heard, respected or taken seriously would that give you?

Most parents agree that the one time they for sure have eye contact with their children is when they are scolding them.  Then they are right in their face.  Doesn’t count!

What a simple thing it is to give our children this emotional boost of clear, positive, I’m-interested-in-what-you-have-to-say eye contact.  No, perhaps it won’t be scintillating conversation you’ll hear.  It might be something you’ve even heard before – or the made-up version of their favorite knock knock joke.  But to have the eyes of a loved parent means they are being heard, being appreciated, being considered, being loved and, in our fast, hurried lives, that’s  a pretty powerful gift to give and receive.

Try it and eventually you might begin to see your children return the favor when you are speaking to them.

La Crosse Play Shoppe – we’re back!

Labor Day is past,  school is open and yes,  Family Resources La Crosse Play Shoppe is back every Friday morning in the children’s room on 1500 Green Bay Street.  After a summer of visiting and playing at area parks,  experiencing the natural world and enjoying the opportunity for all to run,  climb,  dig,  swing and shout,  it is great to come together inside, where we are less spread out and it is  more conducive for families to connect with each other in a different way.

Every few years I notice a change  -  a moving on of our older participants  (the late fours and five -year-olds)  to kindergarten and other preschool programs and a new crop of younger ones stepping up.  It is particularly interesting to see the younger siblings of the children who have moved on  -  the ones who have paid their dues  –   morning naps  in their car seats, watching as they balanced on a parent’s hip,  hanging on to a familiar pants’  leg  (I think this is my mommy!)  or being  handed off to another willing adult to hold while mom or dad helps the older sibling with an art project.

Now,  however,  it is the younger set’s time to shine -  time for them to become the ones who know the ropes,  who do all the projects to “take home and hang up”, who have their parent’s focused attention and who,  during that time and activity,  are  seen and appreciated as  “being the older child”  and recognized,  (sometimes surprisingly)   for their evolving competence and knowledge.

No longer is their older sibling stealing the limelight,  painting better,  building higher, shooing them away,  always getting the biggest most ferocious dinosaur to play with  (and chasing them with it)  or getting all the favorite train cars for themselves.  This is the younger sibling’s time to blossom and blossom they do!

I think that’s one of the reasons I love doing Play Shoppe so much.  It is a veritable  study in child development in every aspect and provides a powerful window to observe different ages and stages.  From the independent crawler to the independent walker,  to the toddler “hoarding”  every toy vehicle he can hold to the 4-year-old calling to his friend, “Let’s play.”, to the early non-talker to the conversationalist sharing all the  “news of the family”  -  it is all present.  And as parents go through these years also,  they see the change,  feel the growth and marvel,  along with me,  that childhood is indeed a process,  a fascinating and wonderful unfolding and  a gift and a privilege to witness.

Keep in mind that every first Friday of the month,  La Crosse Play Shoppe will enjoy a  First Friday Adventure and we will be out of the building on those days – exploring and experiencing things to do out- of- doors,  even as the cold winter days descend upon us.  It is Wisconsin,  after all,  and there is fun to be had even outside in the Wisconsin cold ( more on that in another blog).  Locations and activities will be in the Fall Building Blocks  newsletter and,  of course,  on our web site.  Trust me on these days out.  They are a great deal of fun!

Drop the labels

Labeling – are you familiar with this habit we have as parents in labeling our children.  It’s usually done in casual conversation,  definitely  not meant to be intentionally negative.

“He’s my eater – he’d eat anything you put in front of him – whenever and whatever.”

“Susie’s our talker – never stops even when she’s asleep, we hear her mumbling.”

“Joey’s the clown in the family.”

“Katie’s the serious, studious one – not like her brother who is the wise guy in the family.”

“Come here you little monster – you wild guy – you crazy man!!”

Maybe one of these labels has struck a chord with you – brought back memories of what you were labeled as a kid.  During a sibling rivalry class recently, I asked parents what their label was as a child.  Did they have one?  There was little hesitation.  Almost all the parents in the room had a label to share.  It stuck with them then and still lingers.

One parent commented, “  I always wanted to be the star athlete but even though I played sports pretty well, that name was reserved for my older brother.  My label was the “follower”.  I often heard my parents remark that I was the follower – did whatever my older brother and sister did.  I didn’t like being thought of as the follower.”

As we talked more, parents recognized how easy it was to get caught in this habit of referring to our children in such defining ways and how that narrow label can become a solid part of who the child thinks he is.  Noticing what our children enjoy and like to do and are “naturals” at,  can be phrased differently perhaps.  “Jan really enjoys playing piano and plays very well” still leaves  room for her to try her hand at hockey and not just be ” the musician in the family”.  Piano is one thing she loves and does well – but it needn’t define who she is.

There are more negative labels that we should just try to avoid all together.

“He’s my clingy, whiny one.”   “Robert is the bossy one in the family.”   “Sara is the drama queen.  She makes everything into a big deal.”   ” Sam is the family delinquent – always in trouble.”  “Scott is just a little brat!”

Knowing  that our children are listening and taking our comments about them to heart, even when we think they’re not, makes it an opportune time to throw in some curves  – say something they don’t expect – express a confidence and description that will make their spirits soar and allow them to think they can be whatever they want to be.

While we’re at it,  let’s do the same for ourselves – drop the labels we may still believe and tell ourselves we can be whatever we want to be – star athlete and all!